Monday, July 11, 2011

The Things No One Tells You

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Please take a few minutes to read my previous post about Fragile X and comment to enter the giveaway.  I will be randomly choosing a winner on July 22, 2011 - National Fragile X Awareness Day!

I often sit back and wonder what I would have said if someone told me what my life would be like with Ayden.  How the person I was then would have reacted to the news the my 4-year-old son barely said five words.   Or that I would be sending my three-year-old son on a bus to school, praying that he would be okay.  About how we deal daily with screaming, whining, and tantrums that include hitting, flailing, and sometimes even biting.   How the hitting, flailing, and biting aren't always related to tantrums, but often to anxiety or even to extreme happiness. 

I'm not very confident in the person I was before I had children.  I'm not sure I would have handled it well, because I still struggle, especially with patience.  I always knew that being a parent required sacrifice, patience, and lots of hard work.  I watched my mother do all of these things with grace as we grew up.  I just never understood the full scope of those things until Ayden, because how can you?  Some days I feel as though I will fold under the pressure.  I think of the list we have for Ayden of what we need to work on, and I panic.  I can't even being to count the amount of times I just feel like I'm not enough, that no matter how hard we work it won't be enough for him.  I worry that someday he will look at me and tell me I should have done more and that his life could have been easier if I had just done more.

I think every parent struggles with these feelings in some way.  I reflect on all the advice I was given while pregnant with Ayden - because anyone that's been pregnant knows everyone has advice for you!  (Even that lady behind you at the grocery store you've never met before).  I wonder why no one tells you to find what balances you.  To make sure from the beginning that you find that perfect amount of time that you keep for you so you don't feel like you're only a mother, but to remind you that you are also a wife - and more importantly you are, well, you.  I struggle with the balance, all the time. As a FXS carrier, I know I need to be more mindful of this because carriers are more prone to depression. I try to take time for me, but it always seems like there is something to clean, dinner to cook, a diaper to change; however, I find myself happiest though when I do take that time.  Even if it's just taking a long shower after the kids are in bed, it's time for me to clear my head, to refresh, and to reload on the patience I will definitely need for the next day.


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