Tuesday, October 29, 2013

One Year Later - Reflections of STX209

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It was a year ago today that we made our first trip to the Fragile X clinic at Rush for the beginning of the arbaclofen trial.  I have such mixed emotions today.  I can't forget the amount of hope I had for those little pills.  I remember how I stared at Ayden each day watching for anything different.  Then I slowly saw my baby emerge from the fog of anxiety he was living in.  One year ago my baby was barely saying fifteen words.  They were never spontaneous.

Today, he greeted me by name.  Told me what cereal he wanted for breakfast.  Asked for a different shirt.  Told me he didn't want to wear his hat to school.  (which at this moment I realize he actually managed to pull off!).  He also gave me a hug and then told me bye before running to get on the bus - where of course he greeted his bus driver.

I of course wonder now if the arbaclofen jump started his language or if it was just coincidence that we started around the same time he had a developmental leap.  My gut tells me it was a little of both, but in the long run it doesn't really matter.  We have been off arbaclofen since June 9.  In late July we started on sertraline and while it isn't as good as arbaclofen it is an acceptable alternative.  He still has a lot of anxiety and it doesn't really help his sensory issues, but that is okay.  For now, it's the best we have.  Had we not seen what arbaclofen could do for him already, I'm sure I would be totally happy with this.  But I have.  So it is hard to be happy with a 'second best' and why I feel like my emotions are so jumbled.  I want it back for him.  It all just feels so unfair still.  Even with his progress and how amazing he is doing - I wonder how much better it would be.